Monthly Fucked up

I like to think that I'm blessed with some of the utmost and inexplicably fucked up conversations. I usually write down the amusing conversations I've been lucky enough to be apart of, but now that I have this blog I feel it's best displayed here and not in my notebook. I like to share, what can I say.

Me: Congrats on being pregnant again!
Rachel: Fuck off.
Me: [blank stare]
Rachel: Don't look at me like that! We'll see how you feel when you get pregnant for the third time in less than two years. Christ, I'm never going t loose this baby weight and I am so not looking forward to getting so big again I can't wipe my own goddamn ass!
Me: [blank stare].

Dad: Things better with Nirel?
Levi: Still haven't talked.
Me: Just talk to her, already. Ask her what's wrong and that should open the floodgate?
Dad: She's right. Most relationship issues first come about as a lack of sex in the relationship.
Avery: If you don't want to know what her issues are, just guilt her into having sex with you. Works for me all the time.
Dad: Is that so?

Random Guy: It figures that the hottest girl in this complex is married.
Me: It figures the only person in this complex to ever talk to me can't seem to shift gears on his bike and pedals like a maniac to go two feet.
Random Guy: Hey, I just complimented you.
Me: Did I not just compliment you?

New Boss: Elaine, do you have those boards ready?
Me: It's Emanuelle, and yes I finished them. Let me get them for you.
New Boss: Great, thanks Elaine.
Me: It's Emanuelle.
New Boss: Wow, you certainly draw well. Keith, you didn't tell me we had a veritable artist here! Eleanor is quite the commodity.
Keith: Eleanor?
Me: She means me.
New Boss: Yes, Elaina.
Me: Emanuelle, my name is Emanuelle.
Keith: Not worth it. Let it go.

Me: Isn't it amazing how all this shit was built in ancient times?
Avery: I know. How the fuck do you build something like the Eiffel Tower without modern construction equipment?
Me: Please tell me you aren't serious.