A-Go-Go Agog

Mid afternoon Monday I received the following voicemail from my mum:

"Manu, I'm not doing well. Can you come over as soon as you get a chance?"

Naturally, I call her back but she doesn't pick up. I call my brothers, none of them have heard anything from Mum, and my father chuckled to himself and said she's fine, but if I'm so concerned to go check on her.

Naturally, I go into panic mode and storm into my boss' office and proclaim that I have a family emergency and must go right away. She said "Of course, Elena, take the rest of the week off," because that bitch refuses to remember my name but that bitch also gave me four paid days of work off. I don't even bother calling Avery. No, I just stop by and trade cars with him because his Audi is much faster than my Honda. I did leave a note on the windshield saying I switched cars with him though. I'm caring.

Now, behind the wheel of an Audi, I proceed to make it from Portland to Gold Beach in a little less than 4 hours. Traditionally, that's a 5-hour drive. I get to my parents house, I immediately run into the house, and there's my mother sitting watching Scrubs on the couch.

Mum: Manu, what are you doing here?
Me: You told me to come over as soon as I can.
Mum: I did? Oh! I remember. Yea, I went to the mall today and something horrible happened, but I'm okay now.
Me: What happened? Did someone hurt you? Were you in an accident or something?
Mum: No, no. Don’t be ridiculous. It was nothing, I’m fine now. I made kunafi, it’s in the fridge, there’s some muhalabiy-yah left too, unless your father ate it.
Me: Are you kidding me? Mum! You didn’t sound fine on the message you left me. So what happened?
Mum: I was trying on pants and it seems I no longer fit into a size 2. I was near tears when I had to ask the woman for a 4. Can you believe it? How fat I've become?

Most women would die to be a size 2 at all, let alone at the age of 53 after being pregnant 4 times and having twins. Dare I say it; my mum is far from most women. For those of you who have asked how to get abs like mine, aside from surfing and kayaking which really are the best ab work outs on the planet, my answer to you is simply genetics. My mother is tiny. Before she got married and had kids, she would wade in a size 0, much as I do now. Number wise, she’s still a waif, but in her mind it’s the same as if she just went from a size 12 to a 14. That’s a shift I think most women would be aghast with.

No excuses though. I’m well aware that my mother is bat shit crazy. Bat shit crazy, though, got me a week off work. Huzzah!