Strange Ficiton
Fact: The more racing stickers you have on your car, the shittier of a driver you are.
Fiction: Women cannot drive a manual transmission with 6'' stilettos on. I do it almost daily.
Fact: If you are of Asian descent odds are you fall on one of two extremes of the driving continuum--absolutely horrid or wannabe fast and the furious yet still fairly horrid.
Fiction: Rice rockets are race cars. A giant fiber glass spoiler does not your car faster make.
Fact: Dressing to flatter your figure will always trump whether or not you are categorically thin.
Fiction: Maternity style flowy shirts will look good on people of all body types. Sorry, it only works if you are pregnant or get fat in such a way that you already resemble being pregnant.
Fact: I cannot talk to Avery on any medium because he will drive me absolutely crazy. This applies to everything that does not involve vocal conversation while in close proximity.
Fiction: I talk funny. Sorry, to me you’re the one who talks funny.
Fact: The best way to entertain a 3 year old is to hand them a pile of dough and food coloring.
Fiction: Your child is special and precious. Your child is special and precious to you, but to the rest of humanity it’s just another child.
Fact: The duck billed platypus is the most amusing participant in the animal kingdom.
Fiction: Seals are cute. Once they reach maturity they aren’t so much cute anymore, as alien like in their appearance.
Fact: Women will not drop a deuce in a public restroom unless there is absolutely no way around it.
Fiction: Women appreciate when a guy is comfortable enough to break wind in front of her. We don’t work like men, we think it’s disgustingly and yearn for the days of yore when you wouldn’t have muttered the phrase “Know what I think?” and then sound your ass horn.
Fact: It’s better to regret doing something than regret not doing something once it’s too late.
Fiction: Money isn’t happiness. I’m not unhappy, but if I had a bit more of a spending budget I’d be a whole lot happier.
Fact: The majority of South Africans are surfers.
Fiction: Every South African is an expert on great white sharks. I know just as much as you know, and the fact I’ve actually had them swimming within 10 meters of me doesn’t make me an expert whatsoever. It just makes me slightly crazy. Stop asking me such strange questions as what decibel level white’s are most attracted to, or I’ll be forced to make it the sound of your voice.
Fiction: Women cannot drive a manual transmission with 6'' stilettos on. I do it almost daily.
Fact: If you are of Asian descent odds are you fall on one of two extremes of the driving continuum--absolutely horrid or wannabe fast and the furious yet still fairly horrid.
Fiction: Rice rockets are race cars. A giant fiber glass spoiler does not your car faster make.
Fact: Dressing to flatter your figure will always trump whether or not you are categorically thin.
Fiction: Maternity style flowy shirts will look good on people of all body types. Sorry, it only works if you are pregnant or get fat in such a way that you already resemble being pregnant.
Fact: I cannot talk to Avery on any medium because he will drive me absolutely crazy. This applies to everything that does not involve vocal conversation while in close proximity.
Fiction: I talk funny. Sorry, to me you’re the one who talks funny.
Fact: The best way to entertain a 3 year old is to hand them a pile of dough and food coloring.
Fiction: Your child is special and precious. Your child is special and precious to you, but to the rest of humanity it’s just another child.
Fact: The duck billed platypus is the most amusing participant in the animal kingdom.
Fiction: Seals are cute. Once they reach maturity they aren’t so much cute anymore, as alien like in their appearance.
Fact: Women will not drop a deuce in a public restroom unless there is absolutely no way around it.
Fiction: Women appreciate when a guy is comfortable enough to break wind in front of her. We don’t work like men, we think it’s disgustingly and yearn for the days of yore when you wouldn’t have muttered the phrase “Know what I think?” and then sound your ass horn.
Fact: It’s better to regret doing something than regret not doing something once it’s too late.
Fiction: Money isn’t happiness. I’m not unhappy, but if I had a bit more of a spending budget I’d be a whole lot happier.
Fact: The majority of South Africans are surfers.
Fiction: Every South African is an expert on great white sharks. I know just as much as you know, and the fact I’ve actually had them swimming within 10 meters of me doesn’t make me an expert whatsoever. It just makes me slightly crazy. Stop asking me such strange questions as what decibel level white’s are most attracted to, or I’ll be forced to make it the sound of your voice.
Labels: shitballs
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12 People Who Bitched:
I couldn't help but LMAO when I read about the fiction of flatulence. I guess only men understand that kind of fiction :o)
I'd lop off a thigh to see Nelson Mandela hang ten.
Who designed those tops anyway? And the dresses (a longer version of the tops). It makes the model with figure of a 13-year-old boy look pregnant; what hope to I have?
And farts are disgusting, not funny. And so not sexy...
I can drive stick in heels I just love driving barefoot though...
re 7/26 post: you look pretty damn hot. i live not too far from portland. shall we get together?
I disagree with your flatulence fiction. You haven't lived until you've received the ole "Dutch Oven" from Mighty Dyckerson.
"Fiction: Money isn’t happiness. I’m not unhappy, but if I had a bit more of a spending budget I’d be a whole lot happier."
I AGREE!!!
Hilarious! And I'm with you on the flatulence. I beg for a little shame...just a teeny shred of awareness..."remember when we were dating? did you feel so free then? no, you didn't! can we go back to that?"
Tru dat about money. All those richies who derail when faced with a huge fortune? Let them give me a fraction of it and I'll put them to shame.
Hey I only asked you that about the sharks because you're all nerdy enough to watch Shark Week until 2am when you should be sleeping.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go remove the giant fiberglass spoiler from my Honda Civic.
Fact: Love your blog and the way you think I will be back.
Awesome stuff!
This post was a major educational experience for me.I have no idea what dropping "a deuce in a public restroom " might mean. I am not sure if we engage in such practices in England.
I've always taken a maximalist view on wind-breaking in public.
Did you know that the duckbilled platypus, like the Mighty Dyckerson, has a unique anatomy?
It has only a single external opening for both sexual organs and excretion of bodily wastes...Think about it.
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