Heart of Glass

Levi, and I had a very serious conversation today for the first time in the 20 years we've simultaneously coexisted on this planet. I adore the fact that he and I are never serious, but I actually found myself tearing up after our conversation because my baby brother trusts me enough to show me his underbelly. The conversation gravitated around the generally question of how I knew I loved Avery and how I knew Avery loved me. Good question eh? I found it to be an especially good question given the fact that just last night we were watching "The Break Up," and as the movie unfolded and the character of Gary became more and more of a dick, he looked at me and said "Z, I'm him aren't it? I'm exactly like that. Why didn't you make me watch this right after you saw it?" I told him because it wouldn't have changed anything. Avery and I are a Ying and Yang of mental states: I am selfless, he is selfish; I give, give, give, he takes, and takes, and takes; I would change everything for someone's happiness, he would sooner tell someone to go fuck themselves than do something he doesn't want to do. But? It works out exceedingly well. In all honesty, it does, otherwise I doubt we'd be going onto our fifth year of dating. He gives me something to focus my efforts on, and he lavishes and adores the fact I will go out of my way to accommodate him. That's not to say we don't have our issues and that I don't require him to put some effort into making time for me etc, but for the most part we travel along together in this symbiotic state of complementary angles. I knew going into this that he was like that, and I knew there was no way I was going to change it. I could modify it to better suit me, but I wouldn't ever be able to change him, and that's why I said nothing would have changed. But, he looked at me with those puppy dog brown eyes and said, "You know I'd do anything if it means I'll never lose you." Disgustingly sappy, yet more utter perfection could not have dropped from his lips at that very moment. Way to seal the deal on getting some action that night, ay?

I’m not 100% sure when I realized I actually categorically loved him, but for what it’s worth I always feel like I’m home whenever he had his arms around me, and there is something euphoric that takes over me when he touches me. I can’t explain it, and it’s nothing sexual, but, at my best attempt, I’d describe it as an intense feeling of comfort. Regardless, it dawned on me that things were a little deeper than I had ever really wanted when we had our first real fight. Not a bullshit fight because that’s what two people who spend too much time together always end up at, but the kind of fight where you’re inches away from completely walking away from the entire situation because you’re so incredibly hurt and aggravated by the situation that you’d rather cut your losses and walk away then have to deal with both the hurt and aggravation repeatedly until some resolution can be found. Yes, one of those fights. It was about how we rarely spent time together because he had plans every weekend and would spend the entire weekend with his friends, leaving me just a few hours on a random week night to see him. My logical conclusion was that I didn’t want to be fit into anyone’s schedule, let alone my boyfriend’s, and there’s really no point in having a boyfriend or any form of a relationship with someone who puts everything before you with the caveat of wanting to enjoy the few days of free time they have a week. So, there we were arguing about whether or not he spent enough time with me with my mind already made up that this was the end and there was no more, when I had this deep sinking feeling and my heart actually hurt. Sure, the fact that my boyfriend was merely fitting me into his schedule rather than making me apart of that schedule hurt like hell, but the prospect of no longer having in my life hurt to the point of me feeling physically ill. My guess is as good as anyone’s, but I think it’s safe to say my assumption is correct: I’d rather be miserable and have Avery in my life than not have him in my life at all. That’s fucked up. That’s love.

As for Avery, he says he knew from the minute we first spoke that I was the girl he was to spend the rest of his life with, and, according to him, he's giving me time to make my own decision about the entire ordeal. He told me he loved me after two months of dating, but I finally let down my guard and believed he meant it when I woke up one morning and he was just staring at me with a goofy smile on his face. He wakes up a half hour before I do, goes to eat breakfast, then wakes me up so we can shower, or so I thought. For some reason that morning I woke up about 10 minutes after his alarm went off, and there he was, propped up on one arm with his head resting in his hand, his other hand gently stroking my hair, staring straight at me. Sure, that’s reminiscent of some kind of stalker freak who wants to add me to his charm bracelet of previous kills, but when I found out that this was his morning habit-to wake up and admire me for a moment-I absolutely melted, and so did everyone of my reservations about him.

I told this all to Levi who is pondering proposing to his girlfriend but isn't sure. Like I said, Avery is merely giving me time to make my decision and four years into it I still flip flop. The difference between Levi and I is that I don’t flip flop on whether I want to spend my life with Avery, I’m certain that I do, I flip flop on whether or not marriage is the answer to that. Levi is unsure of whether he wants to be with his girlfriend forever and my advice to him was not to. If you really have to think about it and the idea of it flip flops in your mind from being a totally awesome idea to a totally horrible one, then it's not meant to be. Having your doubts and your fears is one thing, but being unable to come to a final determination regarding a matter of the heart? I'd say that's a deal breaker.