Em-Bare-Ass

Rachel: What's up?

Me: Nothing. I got some packages in the mail, and before you ask, yes! yes I did get the vibrator a few days ago. You really shouldn't have.

Rachel: Oh it was nothing.

Me: No really, you shouldn't have. I don't know what I'm going to do with it.

Rachel: Please tell me you aren't saying that after using it. Wait, you did use it right?

Me: Yea, I did.

Rachel: How can you not be in love? My lord, woman! I'm getting all gooey just thinking about how good that thing makes me feel. Fuck, I might go home for lunch now and use it.

Me: Yea, to each their own right? I'd rather just have Avery or use my own little hands, I guess.

Rachel: You didn't like it? How is that possible?

Me: Honestly? It, well, it hurt. I think it bruised my vagina, like severely bruised my vagina 'cause the pain made me nauseated.

Rachel: You're kidding me. How can it hurt?

Me: I don't know. The vibrator part is cool, but that one thing you got Avery and I is all I need 'cause that way he gets some, and I get some, and I get him.

Rachel: Yea, I'm sure Avery is great in bed, but honey! earth shattering orgasms are a toy away and you say it hurts! Maybe it's just touching places that have never been touched before and you thought it was pain. Maybe you finally hit your G-spot.

Me: I don't think so, doll. I couldn't even get it in 'cause it hurt.

Rachel: You couldn't get it in?

Me: Nope.

Rachel: Use lube? Relax? Deep breath?

Me: Yea, I know how to get something in my vagina. It was too big.

Rachel: Too big?

Me: Maybe my vagina is smaller than yours.

Rachel: Are you saying I have a gapping vagina?

Me: No, that's not what I'm saying!

Rachel: Oh, I think it is!

Me: No, I'm saying I have a special ed vagina which is why Avery's teeny tiny penis with a cock ring vibrator is enough to make me want to go home for lunch and fuck his brains out, but I can't 'cause Cinco De Fuckhead is over there probably going on and on about how he's Columbian to my poor dogs repeatedly in the hopes that maybe a butt sniffing dog will lick his butt about how wonderful being Columbian is.

Rachel: Wow, you need to get laid.

Me: That obvious?

Rachel: Oh yea. I see hate sex in your future.

Me: I don't hate Avery, I hate the jumping bean that's been living on my couch this week.

Rachel: You hate him for having the taco salad on your couch.

Me: He was clipping his nails at the kitchen table yesterday when I got home, while watching a marathon of Project Runway.

Rachel: Oh! What season? I loved season 3!

Me: Rachel, not the point. Toe nail clipping at the fucking kitchen table.

Rachel: Well, take that pent up anger out on the toy, love.

Me: My vagina is still bruised, no thanks.

Rachel. Right, I'll tell your brother we're better of in a hotel this weekend. You, Avery, and his teeny tiny penis need some alone time.

Nothing beats having a sister in law who is a sex maniac and has a sex store, ay? Bullocks!