ROY G BIV
To anyone who lives in the Portland area, I have an announcement to make.
If you have noticed an abundance of rainbows in the past few months and thought to yourself, much like I have, how wonderful, spectacular, and downright beautiful, while you smiled ever so gaily at the international symbol for gay pride and all things completely emasculating, I regret to inform you that the increased occurrence of rainbows is not a result of mother nature smiling down on you and spreading some of her glorious goodness.
No. I regret to inform you that the reason for the increase in rainbow sightings within the Portland metro area, though a direct result of nature or nurture depending on which school of thought you belong to, is the result of what can only be called “VW Homophile.”
For those who have not yet seen this stunning display of all things homoerotic, or, if you will, queerly female to the point of being a prototypical 5 year old girl enamored with all things pastel and fuzzy, then you are severely missing out, for in the midst of all the automobiles cruising along the roads of the 5, the 84, or the 205, amidst all the BMWs, Hondas, Toyotas, SUV’s, and disturbingly ugly hybrid vehicles, there lies a tiny jewel that emits rainbows at incomprehensible lengths, speeds, and voltage.
That tiny jewel is none other than a Gecko Green Volkswagen Bug complete with flowers in the flower holder, and bestowed with the added bonus of hundreds of beanie babies that are glued to the dashboard of the car, the rear window area between the seats and the actual window, and has choice beanie babies suction cupped to each window. This flying embodiment of all things nauseating is driven and owned by none other than a man of portly stature, who drives in total obliviousness to the stares, gawks, and homophobia he stirs in all those driving around him.
I’ve seen him four times now, each time more and more alarming than the previous.
It may seem unfathomable that a level of gayness can manifest itself in a car to such an extent that actual rainbows are diffusing from it into the sky; however, the trifecta of a Gecko Green Volkswagen Bug, a veritable zoo of bean babies residing in all visible areas of that Gecko Green Volkswagon Bug, and a man happily driving it along is a combination that defies logic, the bounds of human understanding, and resides in the compartment of life that shall remain a mystery.
Until further investigation can be done concerning this phenomenon, sit back, relax, and enjoy the exponential increase in rainbows this man has caused throughout the Portland Metro area.
If you have noticed an abundance of rainbows in the past few months and thought to yourself, much like I have, how wonderful, spectacular, and downright beautiful, while you smiled ever so gaily at the international symbol for gay pride and all things completely emasculating, I regret to inform you that the increased occurrence of rainbows is not a result of mother nature smiling down on you and spreading some of her glorious goodness.
No. I regret to inform you that the reason for the increase in rainbow sightings within the Portland metro area, though a direct result of nature or nurture depending on which school of thought you belong to, is the result of what can only be called “VW Homophile.”
For those who have not yet seen this stunning display of all things homoerotic, or, if you will, queerly female to the point of being a prototypical 5 year old girl enamored with all things pastel and fuzzy, then you are severely missing out, for in the midst of all the automobiles cruising along the roads of the 5, the 84, or the 205, amidst all the BMWs, Hondas, Toyotas, SUV’s, and disturbingly ugly hybrid vehicles, there lies a tiny jewel that emits rainbows at incomprehensible lengths, speeds, and voltage.
That tiny jewel is none other than a Gecko Green Volkswagen Bug complete with flowers in the flower holder, and bestowed with the added bonus of hundreds of beanie babies that are glued to the dashboard of the car, the rear window area between the seats and the actual window, and has choice beanie babies suction cupped to each window. This flying embodiment of all things nauseating is driven and owned by none other than a man of portly stature, who drives in total obliviousness to the stares, gawks, and homophobia he stirs in all those driving around him.
I’ve seen him four times now, each time more and more alarming than the previous.
It may seem unfathomable that a level of gayness can manifest itself in a car to such an extent that actual rainbows are diffusing from it into the sky; however, the trifecta of a Gecko Green Volkswagen Bug, a veritable zoo of bean babies residing in all visible areas of that Gecko Green Volkswagon Bug, and a man happily driving it along is a combination that defies logic, the bounds of human understanding, and resides in the compartment of life that shall remain a mystery.
Until further investigation can be done concerning this phenomenon, sit back, relax, and enjoy the exponential increase in rainbows this man has caused throughout the Portland Metro area.
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1 People Who Bitched:
I'm moving to Oregon. Rainbows ROCK!
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